Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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