I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
