what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
