Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
