is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
