He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
