So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
