I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
