Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
