Don't make out with my wife yet
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
