Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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