5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
