Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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