either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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