no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
