So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
