I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
