I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
