if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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