im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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