we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
