nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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