i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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