i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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