I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you inspire me to be a worse person
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
