i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
cat food counts as protein by the way
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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