btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
