I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
