Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
