My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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