You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
