You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
