a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
