I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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