I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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