Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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