i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
