I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
