Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
