i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
