you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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