I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Never underestimate the power of titties
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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