My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
