I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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