are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
