I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
