p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
