I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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