Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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