ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
