when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
