jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
