My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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