When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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