This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
