tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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