she woke up with a sticky ear
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
