im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
